Godzilla House Shoes

So it's been what... three months? Still no followers. Such is life.
Still... I have a story to tell you.

I was 5 years old when my uncle gave me my Godzilla house shoes. They were great. They were huge and green and had these giant cotton claws on the front of them. Every time you stepped down, and loud and thunderous "RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWR!!!!!!!!!!!!" sounded. I loved them. My uncle and father loved them. My step mother and three step sisters saw trouble on the horizon. I wore them everywhere in the house. You knew I was coming before I did.
"John's coming down the stares."
"How can you tell?"
*RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR*

"Where's John?"
"In the garage."
*RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAWR*

Had my step mother and sisters thought about it, how you knew where i was every second, they would have never sabotaged my fun times.
About two weeks after christmas, my left slipped stopped working
*RAWR* step *RAWR* step *RAWR* step

I had no idea what had happened. But, because I was an idiot 5 year old, I just let it go. I didnt tell dad or check the batteries or anything. As far as I was concerned, two little monsters lived in the shoes and one of them was probably sleeping.
A week later, the other one stopped working and, as a result, I stopped wearing them.
I was 15 when my step sister Amanda told me that she snuck into my room while I was asleep and removed the batteries. All I had to do was replace the damn batteries.
I hate my step sister.
...
Not really though.

Dee Eye Vee Oh Are See Ee

So I signed the final divorce documents about a week ago.
In three or so weeks, I'll be single. 98% of men would give me a high five. they would say "Now you don't need to deal with that bitch!" or something to that effect.
I love my wife. I didn't need to "deal" with her in the first place.
I'm kinda... pretty emotionally fucked up right now. I need to be alone.
I need to play some Castlevania... I need a sandwich, some hot chocolate... and a purring cat on my lap.
mostly... I need my wife back...

It's been too long

Man... the great chipmunk fiasco was the last time I updated?
LAMESAUCE
Ok. so whats been going on since then?
I'm not sure if I updated about it and, frankly, I'm WAY too lazy to go back through all 8 of my updates to find out... I was in the military. I got out (honorable discharge) But they called me back. i was pissed. I LOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHE the military. but it's the U.S. government... what're you gonna do, you know?
So, i packed a bag and asked my neighbor to watch the cats. I arrived in South Carolina on June 13th. I was SURE they were gonna say no because of my weight. But I apparently forgot that Iraq is kinda hot this time of year... so fat didnt matter. I would just sweat it off anyway.
So all signs pointed to me deploying. IN FACT I was just a few days away from shipping out when some Colonel was flipping through my paperwork, saw something he didnt like... and called me into his office.
When i was a kid... I had ADHD. In order to join the military, you can not have ADHD. So I went and got "undiagnosed" to join. Apparently, that's... a physical impossibility. You can't be undiagnosed from something like that.
So they relieved me from Active duty... and i went home.
So here I am... back to the daily routine. School... video games... trying to find a date.
The divorce is... going... I don't want it to. I love my wife... but she doesnt want too stay with me. whatever makes her happy, i suppose...
This really sucks.
this REALLY REALLY sucks.

The Chipmunk Fiasco

First, let me just say that the number of times I typed the word "chipmunk" for this entry made me smile. It's such a cool word. Chipmunk. Ha.
This morning, my cat who has never shown any signs of being a good enough hunter to even catch a turtle, caught a chipmunk. Granted, it was a small chipmunk, but a chipmunk none the less. He brought it into the apartment and started playing with it. i didn't notice until i was about to turn on my 360 to get some gaming time in. The chipmunk couldn't have been here that long, though, because the cat was laying beside me not ten minutes before. So it's like he went outside solely to catch this animal and bring it inside to fuck with it. I thought he'd caught a huge frog or something, but then I saw it and cried out. not in fear, I'm not a pansy. more like surprise. "OH SHIT IS THAT A CHIPMUNK?!?!"I got up to shoo Stardust (cats name) away, which now that i think of it, was a bad idea. What if I had succeeded? the chipmunk would still be loose in my apartment. When i got up, Stardust picked it up by its tail and ran into the bedroom with it. I chased him. The chipmunk got loose and ran into the bathroom. I shut the bathroom door and looked for a box to properly extract him in. I went into the bathroom, shooing the cat away from the door, and tried to corner this chipmunk. Then I got to thinking that this little guy might have diseases. So I didn't want to touch him. So I went and grabbed a pair of gloves from my army days. when I got back in, he was in the tub, urine puddles everywhere. He was scared shitless. And really, can you blame him? I went in slowly, and he let me touch him and pet him a little. But when he felt himself being grabbed, he turned into an acrobatic expert. Jumping out of the tub, onto the sink, onto the toilet, back to the sink, climbed the shower curtain, jumped on top of the cabinets, the lunged all the way down back into the tub. I was afraid he'd hurt himself. I mean, that's the equivalent of a human being jumping 30 stories or something. The cabinets are taller than 6 feet. and this little guy was about 5 inches long.
So I decided fuck all the tact and me trying not to scare him. I dove for him, grabbed him, and threw him in the box. I then put on my slippers, and walked out the door. I snapped this quick picture and let him go.
So hey... I learned that my retarded cat can catch chipmunks. awesome.

Say NO to socialism

Each morning, John Doe is awoken by his alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. He then takes a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, he turns on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. He watched this while eating his breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, he gets into his national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and sets out to work by traveling on the roads built by local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On his way out the door, he deposits any mail he has to be sent out via the US postal service as well as drop the kids off at the local public school.
After work, he drives his NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads to a house which has not burned down in his absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.
He then logs onto the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and posts on freepublic.com and the Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

Sick

So I've had strep throat since Saturday. I can tell you, it's been a fucking horrible experience. I've had a fever twice and can't swallow anything without feeling like dying. Its gotten better. Now I only have annoying headaches that seem to take place right behind my right eye... and the swallowing is a minor inconvenience.
So, I do plan on updating... just not as often since I have this stupid annoying sick thing happeninng in my neck.
What the hell am i saying... I don't even have one follower.

Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown yard will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every bowl of chips there is a bad chip.