Each morning, John Doe is awoken by his alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. He then takes a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, he turns on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. He watched this while eating his breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, he gets into his national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and sets out to work by traveling on the roads built by local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On his way out the door, he deposits any mail he has to be sent out via the US postal service as well as drop the kids off at the local public school.
After work, he drives his NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads to a house which has not burned down in his absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.
He then logs onto the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and posts on freepublic.com and the Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sick
So I've had strep throat since Saturday. I can tell you, it's been a fucking horrible experience. I've had a fever twice and can't swallow anything without feeling like dying. Its gotten better. Now I only have annoying headaches that seem to take place right behind my right eye... and the swallowing is a minor inconvenience.
So, I do plan on updating... just not as often since I have this stupid annoying sick thing happeninng in my neck.
What the hell am i saying... I don't even have one follower.
So, I do plan on updating... just not as often since I have this stupid annoying sick thing happeninng in my neck.
What the hell am i saying... I don't even have one follower.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown yard will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every bowl of chips there is a bad chip.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown yard will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every bowl of chips there is a bad chip.
Downstairs Neighbor
My neighbor downstairs is a cool motherfucker. He's big, balding, old, and ex military. He says "shit" a lot and gets pretty lonely. He's originally from Kentucky... he's been here for a year... away from his wife and kids and family. He's just here because he was temporarily transferred. But he moves back home next week. To be reunited with his family. I'll miss him.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The Balloon
Today, on the way to KFC, I saw a balloon flying through the sky. It was one of those congratulatory balloons. The thin circular ones that say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" or "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!" It brought back thoughts that were pretty buried. I really have no idea why, they're very pleasant thoughts. I was a kid, maybe five or so, and my mother bought me a balloon. It was tall, orange, and zig zagged. Now that I think about it, it was a very interesting balloon. They're usually the typical upside down teardrops... but mom managed to find this kick ass shaped one.
Anyway, she gave it to me for one reason or another while we were in the driveway. I looked at her, then it, then I said "I wanna let it go." She said "It's your balloon. Do whatever you want with it." So I let it go and we both watched it fly higher and higher into the sky until it disappeared. She smiled the whole time.
I think there's a certain joy in letting balloons just sail off into the distance. Sure you payed for it... but you also like to see it fly. One day, I'm going to attach some sort of camera that isn't too heavy for it, and retrieve it and watch what it filmed.
I hate my mother now. I can't stand her. I think she's conniving and shady and mean and makes sure that she comes out on top no matter what. She's just a mean woman.
But we'll always have the balloon...
My Economic Opinion
So I know a posted a little less that 15 minutes ago, But I don't care. this is my blog and I'll do what I damn well please with it.
Everyone's screaming about our economic problem and they want a solution. Well there isn't one. America is now so far in debt that we can physically never pay it off.
We are, however, stupid Americans... so we're going to try anyway. Because that's what we do, for some reason. So my idea is this: Tax incentives for buying American made vehicles.
If you live in a big city, You probably see a shit ton of Japanese cars... especially Hondas. Lots of VW's, some Mercedes, some BMW's... and every now and then you'll see a chevy corvette or a dodge neon.
Not alot of people buy American anymore. People scream that Honda's more reliable and Mercedes are faster. they have all these reasons to not buy America. So give them a reason. Each new American made car you buy (i.e. Dodge, Chrysler, Plymouth, Chevy, Ford, Jeep) gets you a thousand bucks when you get your tax return. Don't make foreign cars more expensive, our neighbors across the pond wouldn't like that. Just give a little incentive to pour into our OWN economy for once.
Will this fix everything? No. Will it help? Absolutely. And so far, spending BILLIONS of dollars to send people 500 to 2000 bucks based on their income is too complicated and taking too long.
People buy cars every day. And this thing could start TOMORROW.
I dunno, maybe I'm just an idiot. But I think this would work...
Everyone's screaming about our economic problem and they want a solution. Well there isn't one. America is now so far in debt that we can physically never pay it off.
We are, however, stupid Americans... so we're going to try anyway. Because that's what we do, for some reason. So my idea is this: Tax incentives for buying American made vehicles.
If you live in a big city, You probably see a shit ton of Japanese cars... especially Hondas. Lots of VW's, some Mercedes, some BMW's... and every now and then you'll see a chevy corvette or a dodge neon.
Not alot of people buy American anymore. People scream that Honda's more reliable and Mercedes are faster. they have all these reasons to not buy America. So give them a reason. Each new American made car you buy (i.e. Dodge, Chrysler, Plymouth, Chevy, Ford, Jeep) gets you a thousand bucks when you get your tax return. Don't make foreign cars more expensive, our neighbors across the pond wouldn't like that. Just give a little incentive to pour into our OWN economy for once.
Will this fix everything? No. Will it help? Absolutely. And so far, spending BILLIONS of dollars to send people 500 to 2000 bucks based on their income is too complicated and taking too long.
People buy cars every day. And this thing could start TOMORROW.
I dunno, maybe I'm just an idiot. But I think this would work...
skipping class
Today I'm skipping class. Why? Because I really don't feel like going. And I'm waiting for a check. My father is sending me an unknown amount of money (in the neighborhood of 500) and my mail doesn't usually get here until about 4 pmish. The bank closes at 5 and I'm in class until 6. So, If I want to deposit the check today, I need to not be in class... see how that works? I would love to spend the money on Video Games and steaks and hookers... but I'll ACTUALLY spend it on bills and more bills and steaks.
And stop thinking whatever you may be thinking about me needing my parents help with anything. The last time I hit dad up for money was like.... a year ago. The only reason I'm ding it now is the V.A. wanted its money back.
Which deserves a backstory, I guess. Here goes...
I served in the military for almost 3 and a half years. when i got out, I took almost a whole entire year off doing nothing. Then i came to the realization that my wife shouldnt be the only one making money. So I decided I would go to school and try to find a job. I had a G.I. Bill which would pay for school, so I figured... why not work and get a higher education? When I applied, they said my Montgomery G.I. Bill was all fine and dandy... but I wanted to REALLY be cool, I'd apply for the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill.
Bit of a tangent for a second... the Montgomery G.I. Bill is given to every soldier all it really does is give you something like 35,000 for school. So, if you go to the normal school (NOT M.I.T. and Harvard and Yale and the like) you can get a degree for pretty much free...
The Post 9/11 G.I. Bill gives you somewhere around 75,000 for school... but on top of that, they pay you according to where your school is. So... they'll pay the school any tuition and book fees you have... and then pay YOU a set fee per month to do whatever the hell you want with. The beauty is the paycheck you get doesn't come out of the 75,000. only the schools tuition does.
Neat, eh?
The problem is this is a very new program, so it was having trouble getting off its feet. It was a full six months before I saw my first check. the school got paid right away... but I didn't. so i went to the V.A. and asked for an advanced pay of 3 grand. I assumed they took it out of my first few checks, but they didn't. They're taking it out of my current checks... so I asked dad for some helping money.
So, because dad is sending me the money, I really can't get froggy with it. Maybe I can get a nice diinner once or twice... but it's primarily for bills.
And this is why I'm skipping class today.
And stop thinking whatever you may be thinking about me needing my parents help with anything. The last time I hit dad up for money was like.... a year ago. The only reason I'm ding it now is the V.A. wanted its money back.
Which deserves a backstory, I guess. Here goes...
I served in the military for almost 3 and a half years. when i got out, I took almost a whole entire year off doing nothing. Then i came to the realization that my wife shouldnt be the only one making money. So I decided I would go to school and try to find a job. I had a G.I. Bill which would pay for school, so I figured... why not work and get a higher education? When I applied, they said my Montgomery G.I. Bill was all fine and dandy... but I wanted to REALLY be cool, I'd apply for the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill.
Bit of a tangent for a second... the Montgomery G.I. Bill is given to every soldier all it really does is give you something like 35,000 for school. So, if you go to the normal school (NOT M.I.T. and Harvard and Yale and the like) you can get a degree for pretty much free...
The Post 9/11 G.I. Bill gives you somewhere around 75,000 for school... but on top of that, they pay you according to where your school is. So... they'll pay the school any tuition and book fees you have... and then pay YOU a set fee per month to do whatever the hell you want with. The beauty is the paycheck you get doesn't come out of the 75,000. only the schools tuition does.
Neat, eh?
The problem is this is a very new program, so it was having trouble getting off its feet. It was a full six months before I saw my first check. the school got paid right away... but I didn't. so i went to the V.A. and asked for an advanced pay of 3 grand. I assumed they took it out of my first few checks, but they didn't. They're taking it out of my current checks... so I asked dad for some helping money.
So, because dad is sending me the money, I really can't get froggy with it. Maybe I can get a nice diinner once or twice... but it's primarily for bills.
And this is why I'm skipping class today.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
And Thus I begin...
My name is John. I'm 25, white, single, and an utter jerk. I'm not sure if I care so much what people think of me... Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I guess it depends on the person. I was raised in Texas, moved to North Carolina when i was 21, and now live in northern Virginia. I've lived in 12 cities across these three states and have been married... and divorced. I have 3 cats, 2 guitars, 1 Joker bobble head, and 0 college degrees. I have no idea where my life is going. I know exactly what i want to do... I know how to get there and how to do it... but I don't know if I'll ever stop procrastinating or being lazy (both apply in my life). The problem is I don't want to stop playing video games. Homework? Could care less. Relationship? Could care less. Social Network? I'm kind of a hermit. I'm just too lazy to be bothered. Hell, I'm not even sure why I started a blog in the first place. I'll get bored with it before the months out. I enjoy House, M.D. I've never seen a single episode of 24 or Lost. I like drawing, though I haven't drawn a single thing in 3 years. I like to write, play music, and sing. I enjoy sex and copious amounts of alcohol... though I HATE beer. I tend to ramble and, when i do, i never know what to say... so I just keep talking. I'm not sure what else to say here, though I'm sure that, eventually, something will present itself. So for now, I'll say "bye" and remind myself that i haven't told a single damn person about this... so it'll probably be a good long minute before anyone even finds it.
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