Monday, June 20, 2011

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Mystery Men

Found these pics on google. I'm about to scour every single batman comic I have (about 400 issues) and look... I invite you to do the same thing.
These two cops seem to be in everything. Both marvel AND DC. Time for a scavenger hunt. WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?!Here's the kicker. As you can tell, these comics are from batman and spiderman. both from two different companies (DC and Marvel). both from two different writers. Different artists. Different cities... Different EVERYTHING... so who the hell are these two dudes?!?!?!?!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

my weekend

That thing we did Saturday morning? It was magical and awesome and amazing. She actually tired out before I did, it lasted so long. Truth be told, I would have waited longer, but She didn't seem to mind and she's told me she can't wait for round two.
I was afraid that, after we did it, It would become one of those relationships where everything was boring, but not the case. She smiles just as much... she laughs just as much. If anything has changed, it's the fact that we're more comfy with each other now. We can get away with more things such as throwing pillows at each other. we hold hands in front of everyone. we say i love you in front of strangers without care. Sex changed us... but it changed us for the better. it made us more of a couple. And i love that.
She told me she wants to marry me. I can't wait until college is over. I swear to everything that is holy, unholy, invisible, magic, and truth... I am going to marry that woman.
My first goal when i started at NoVA was to make the gaming interest group a club.
mission accomplished.
my second goal was to win jenny from the clutches of a rapist lying abusive ginger idiot.
mission accomplished.
my third goal was to beat the living shit out of the same idiot when he threatened her and lied about her on facebook.
mission has yet to be accomplished. not sure it ever will be.
goal four - graduate
will be accomplished
goal five. marry jenny.
I already know her answer.

God damn i love that woman.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Why "I Am Legend" Sucks

In this adaptation of Richard Matheson's classic horror novella, Will Smith plays Doctor Robert "Legend" Neville, the last man alive in a city overrun with CGI vampire mutants.
In the film's original ending, Neville is trapped as vampires break through his barricades and infiltrate his hideout (who would have guessed that locking yourself in an enclosed space in the middle of a city full of vampires would turn out to be a bad idea?). Then he blows them up.
Yeah. In the original, the vampires are revealed to be thinking, benevolent creatures who were merely attempting to rescue a vampire that Neville had captured earlier.
Not only does the book end in a similar way, but it in fact was the entire freaking point of the book. That's where the title "I Am Legend" came from, Neville's realization at the end that the vampires were the good guys and that he was the monster of their legends, since he had been mindlessly driving stakes through their heart at every opportunity. Maybe a title like So I'm The Asshole would have been clearer.
Because test audiences apparently didn't like the original ending, the studio opted to go with a new one in which Neville fights back against the vampires to protect his new allies. He does so by igniting a grenade about two inches from their face, destroying the once-safe stronghold and severely injuring his companions. It should also be noted that going by the original ending, Will Smith just murdered scores of reasoning creatures who were attempting to rescue a little girl.
This brings up the other problem, which is that all of the little hints that had been inserted along the way indicating the creatures had intelligence (the complex traps they set, the same creature reappearing in some kind of leadership role) are completely ignored. In the new ending, the vampires are mindless savages with no other purpose but general horror movie mayhem.
Perhaps the saddest thing about all this is that it shows that no one involved really believed in the message of the final product. They didn't produce a film in order to convey any kind message, they just strung together a bunch of cool scenes and called it a movie. One more reason why audience feedback isn't always the best guide, as anyone who has read YouTube comments will happily tell you.
The original ending is available as a bonus scene on the DVD, where it is advertised as the "controversial original ending." Yes, coming to a peaceful reconciliation with your enemies is now more controversial than blowing them right the fuck up.

Movie List

Girlfriend posted it. Now I must compare. except I'll take it one step further. movies marked like "(o)" are movies I've seen. Movies marked like "(x)" are movies I own. And, after reviewing this list... if it has no mark, it means I most likely narrowly missed wasting two hours of my life on a shitty movie.
Movies i have seen based off this list:

(o) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(o) Grease
(o) Grease 2
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Blazing Saddles

(o) The Neverending Story
(o) The Neverending Story II
( ) The Neverending Story III
(x) Airplane
(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Willow
(o) Anchorman
(o) Napoleon Dynamite
(o) Labyrinth

(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
(x) Saw III
(x) Saw IV
(x) Saw V
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(o) Anger Management
(o) 50 First Dates

(o) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(o) I Know What You Did Last Summer
(o) I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
(o) The Shining
(o) Candyman
(x) Stand By Me

(o) Scary Movie
(o) Scary Movie 2
(o) Scary Movie 3
(o) Scary Movie 4
(o) Resident Evil 1
(o) Resident Evil 2
(o) American Pie
(o) American Pie 2
(o) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

(x) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
(x) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
(x) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
(x) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
(x) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
(o) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(o) The Village
(o) Lilo & Stitch
(x) Finding Nemo

( ) Finding Neverland
(o) Signs
(o) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(o) Butterfly Effect
(o) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
() Robots

(o) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(o) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
(o) King Pin
(o) Never Been Kissed
(o) Meet The Parents
(o) Meet the Fockers
(o) Eight Crazy Nights

(o) Joe Dirt
(o) King Kong
(o) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(o) Dumb & Dumber
(o) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Halloween
( ) Surviving X-MAS

(o) Final Destination
(o) Final Destination 2
(o) Final Destination 3
(o) The Ring
(o) The Ring 2
(o) Flubber
(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
(o) Ghost Ship

(o) From Hell
(o) Hellboy
(o) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(o) The Whole Nine Yards
(o) The Whole Ten Yards
(o) The Day After Tomorrow
(o) Child's Play
(o) Seed of Chucky
(o) Bride of Chucky

(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(o) Just Married
(o) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(o) Remember the Titans
(o) Coach Carter
(o) The Grudge
(o) The Grudge 2
(o) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Ocean's Thirteen
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
(x) Bourne Ultimatum

(x) Sixteen Candles
( ) Pretty in Pink
( ) Lone Star
(o) Bedazzled
(o) Predator I
(o) Predator II
(o) The Fog
(o) Ice Age
(o) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( )Curious George

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(o) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss's Daughter
(o) Maid in Manhattan
(o) War of the Worlds

(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
(x) Rush Hour 3
( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(o) Mars Attacks
(o) Event Horizon

(o) Ever After
(o) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3: The Last Stand

(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Spider-Man 3
(o) Sky High
(o) Jeepers Creepers
(o) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
( ) Freaky Friday
(o) Reign of Fire

( ) The Skulls
(o) Cruel Intentions
(o) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek the Third
( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(o) Old School

( ) The Notebook
(x) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(o) The 40-year-old Virgin
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(x) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
(o) BASEketball
(o) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
(x) House of 1000 Corpses
(x) Devils Rejects
(o) Elf

(o) Highlander
(o) Mothman Prophecies
(o) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(o) Titanic

(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
(x) Club Dread
(o) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(o) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

(x) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
(x) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes

( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
(x) The Last House on the Left
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(o) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(o) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

( ) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(o) Team America: World Police
(x) Ghosttown

(x) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
(x) Wall-E
(x) Batman Begins
(x) The Dark Knight
(x) The Prestige
(x) Cars
(o) Gone With The Wind
(o) Top Gun

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Why Idiots Love Megan Fox

Megan Fox fell from grace with the great Transformers debacle. How, you ask? Well I will tell you, kind reader. Consider:
Michael Bay, director of Transformers, pretty much FOUND Megan Fox. Sure, she was acting... sure, she was attractive in some sense of the word. But before Michael Bay she was absolute piss. Just nothing. Her career was virtually nonexistent. Tinier, even, than Vanilla Ice's. He signed her onto the Transformers movies which, for her career, was the equivalent of Mark Hamill and Star Wars. So what does she do? She acts like a stuck up bitch. She claims that Michael Bay is a horrible director (He's not bad... he's just different. Instead of relying on great acting, he relies on great effects). None the less, he made her a huge star and she spit all over him for it.
Michael Bay filmed the second transformers in Egypt. He decided that, since they were there for a few days more than needed, he would take the cast and crew out to the pyramids and a few days of fine dining and awesome egypt tours. On his expense, of course because that's what good directors do. Megan Fox cussed Michael bay out in front of EVERYONE because how DARE he take her into the heat to see the fucking pyramids.
So... Michael bay told her to fuck off.
And that was that... a few movies after that, all of which utterly sucked, but still... her career was over.
So what the hell is this that i see? A new Megan Fox movie? do people not get it? Megan Fox sucks. She's a horrible actress. AND SHE HAS TOE THUMBS!!!!
None the less, they're putting her in this new movie "Passion Play". And because nothing else worked in the past, they're pairing her with a huge super star, Bill Murray. Hoping that people will see the movie because Bill Murray and mickey Rourke in it is one thing... but hoping that guys will decide megan Fox is hot again... well that's another thing.
So Hollywood... please... stop trying to glorify the female skeletor and her thumbs which look like toes. She's a bitch and an idiot and has feet instead of hands. that is all.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

30 days of music

My girlfriend did this and i learned all kinds of good stuff about her. so I'll do it to because... what are you gonna do to stop me? :P

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you're sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Monday, May 30, 2011


I was introduced to her parents.
I made her dad laugh like mad within three minutes of meeting him.
I hung out with her brother, talked with him, and liked him.
I never saw a smile leave her mothers face.
She told her mom we were dating.
Her brother told me he liked me more than her horrible ex boyfriend.
I tried the food.
I got seconds.
I got thirds.
Her father initiated conversation about school and religion.
She held my hand in front of her parents, solidifying my "here to stay" status.
I found out I burn like a lobster
And she couldn't stop smiling...

Today was a great great great day. the best. Jealous? Yup.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


They meet in the ruins of New York City, rather by accident, right in the middle of what used to be Times Square, back when people actually lived there.

They are both armed: she with a pistol strapped to her hip, while he supports a rifle on his shoulder. Both are uneasy with these armaments; there are evidences of new calluses and deep shadows in eyes that have seen too much. They are not soldiers by choice, merely a man and a woman forced into their current position by circumstances far outside of their control. Still, both weapons are firmly pointed towards the other without more than a bare second of hesitation.

“Are you with Them?” the man demands, nervously straightening his glasses with his shoulder even as he holds the rifle.

The woman twitches, the pistol wavering for a moment before she rights it. “Why should I tell you?”

“I could kill you!” the man threatens with a certainty born of sad experience. “I’ve killed men and women both before!”

“So have I,” she says with sadness that he understands. “Anyway, I’m not with Them. Are you?”

That strikes him as an odd question. “Why would I ask you if I was?”

“To save yourself,” she replies. “To make me think you’re not, to keep me from shooting you. They say not to take any prisoners.”

“If you have the slightest doubt of a citizen’s loyalties, you should shoot without hesitation,” the man agrees. The words are rote, because he has heard them and repeated them so many times before.

The woman clicks the pistol’s safety off. “And do you doubt my loyalty?”

He considers this. “Well, I don’t know you. So I suppose I do. Do you doubt mine?”

“I suppose I do. And for the same reason: I don’t know you.”

“Then it seems we’ll both have to shoot,” he says regretfully. He hasn’t seen anyone else for two weeks.

She sighs with matching resignation. “You’re right. I’m sorry that we have to. It was pleasant, seeing another person.”

“Yes, it was,” he agrees with something like a smile. “What’s the protocol for this?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. How about the count of three?”

“That seems fair,” he concurs, despite his disappointment. Then he hesitates. “Say, what if we’re it?”

“How do you mean?”

“What if we are on the same side, right? And supposing we shoot each other, They’d win?”

She considers this. “Well, that couldn’t be so bad.”


She looks down the darkening street. “Well, maybe we’re both lying. And so when we shoot each other, They will be the ones to lose.”

“That’d be worth it,” he admits. He no longer knows who is Us and who is Them. “On three, then?”

“On three,” she agrees. “It was nice, to have this talk with you.”

“And you,” he says. He levels the rifle at her heart. “I’m sorry.”

Her pistol aims at his forehead. “Yes, me too.”

“One,” he says.

“Two,” she echoes.

A second after he whispers Three, he realizes that he does recognize her, from a small cafe back in college. She was ordering a coffee, and he almost asked her on a date. But by then it’s too late.

Two gunshots ring out amidst the ruins of New York City, from the middle of what used to be Times Square.

The war ends.

Friday, May 6, 2011

50 questions

these 50 question were presented to me via a woman that i just can't stop thinking about. in order to impress her and tell her more about myself, I have decided to answer them. My answers probably won't be NEARLY as long as hers... still... I will answer them to the best of my ability.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
-- You know, it's strange. I've been told by several people that i look like I'm in my 30's. These same people tell me that I act like I'm in my early 20's. I'm 26. If I were to look in a mirror and never interact with anyone, i would think i was 32. If I were to base this solely off my interactions with people, I would say 23. If i were to go off my leadership skills, I would say 47.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?
--Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? Always try, or you won't know why you failed.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
--Fear and familiarity. We find something we like and we keep doing it because it becomes familiar. We know there's something we might like, but it's not familiar, and we fear the unfamiliar. So it never gets done.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
--Sadly, I fear the answer is yes. I've been many places and done many things. I've taken life, I've loved, I've hated, I've built, and I've destroyed. But if I were to die today, what would I leave behind but memories?

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
--Religion. We pretty much have a hold of it now. Be free to worship or not worship whoever you want. But part of changing the world is also changing it's history. a thousand years ago, believing in one thing meant not believing in another or not living... it really set us back a few thousand years.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
-- High School English Teacher

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
-- I believe in what I'm doing.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
--I would have masters, a house, and a child. I wouldn't have played a single video game and i would have published at least four books by now.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
-- until lately, not a lot. but in the past year, 80% of it has been controlled by me.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
--doing things right. If it's done correctly, I don't mind stepping on a few toes.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
--If they're three people I respect, then they obviously respect me. Meaning they would expect nothing less than a vigorous defense of someone I care for. I will get angry and tell them to stop. i will explain that he/she is my friend and, even though they have a full right to have whatever opinion they wish about whoever, I will not hesitate to slash their tires if they continue to speak poorly of him/her... with all do respect, of course.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
--Study. dear god, study.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?
-- I have and will again.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
-- i don't think so.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
-- Well perhaps not most people, but at least most people I know... I get what i want. And not that whole spoiled brat aspect. But... if I see something that I feel should happen... something I want to happen... I will make sure it happens. If anyone knew this, it would be Jenny. She's seen me make sure a club that was near and dear to everyone's hearts didn't go under. She saw me settle disputes that i believed were wrong solely because I didn't want people to start hissy fitting. She saw me make sure the people we NEEDED were elected into positions when people who were dating the current officers thought it was a sure bet for them. And she saw me not stop until i made her smile every day. I work for things I want. Harder than anyone I've ever seen.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
-- because how boring would that be?

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
-- I have not been to japan. financial issues. and no passport.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
-- if anyone were to answer this question "no." they'd be lying.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
-- state: texas. it's home.
-- country: japan. sushi.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
-- no and no.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
-- worried genius. they make more money.

Why are you, you?
-- because i don't want to be who I was anymore.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
-- no. but thats because... who would want themselves as a best friend? Why would i want to befriend somebody that's already done and seen everything i've done and seen. he has all the favorites i have and all the likes and dislikes. he treats everyone exactly like me. what the hell is he bringing to the relationship that isn't already there?

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
-- losing touch.

What are you most grateful for?
-- the respect i'm given. people may not like me, but they listen to me and they take what i say to heart. and that's special.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
-- lose all my old memories. all they do is cause headaches anyway.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
-- I remember talkingg about this.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?
-- not yet.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
-- not at all.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
-- the first time i held my baby sister the day she was born. It's my favorite memory and i wouldn't give it up for anything.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
-- I'm not sure i would know... probably the day i got out of the army... but I can't be sure.

If not now, then when?
-- well, obviously later.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
-- her.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
-- almost every monday through thursday.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
-- Honestly, when was the last time you can remember a religion starting a war. lately, its politics.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
-- no.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
-- i have no job. so hey... bonus.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
-- more work.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
-- no. but i feel like i've had this headache a hundred times before.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
-- 2008

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
-- I would max out everything and grab Jenny and bigger and I'd call abby and tell her to go to dads... I'd put jenny and bigger on a plane with me and we'd go to my fathers. I would spend every waking moment with all four.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
-- famous. yes.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
-- a big one. truly living means happiness. Love. hate. being alive... well everyone is alive. but who is living? Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
-- that time started yesterday.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
-- jail? death?

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
-- probably nothing.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
-- just now. thanks a lot asshole.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
-- i love being someone people can rely on.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
-- probably not. well actually... yesterday was... pretty momentous. so yeah.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
-- i'm making them. and i am so very happy with they way they're ending up.

Chasing Amy

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

You Ruined Everything

I was fine,
I pulled myself together
Just in time,
To throw myself away
Once my perfect world was gone I knew,
You ruined everything...
In the nicest way
You should know,
How great things were before you
Even so,
They're better still today
Now I can't think who I was before
You ruined everything...
In the nicest way
Bumps in the road remind us
The worst of the best behind us
Only good things will find us,
Me and you
Days will be clear and sunny
We're gonna need more money
Ma'am , you know it's funny
All those stories coming true
Despite my better efforts,
It's all for you
the worst kind of cliché
I'll be with you till the day you leave
You ruined everything...
In the nicest way

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Little Needle

I have an addiction. I didn't know it was an addiction until today. Something was taken away from me for a brief period of time (5 or 6 days) and I realized.... this is going to be the longest weekend I've ever had to endure. The minute this throught ran across my ever expanding pink slushy between my ears, I realized I was addicted. My little needle has always been there. Always responsive. Always smiling, ready for the plunger to shoot madness and filigree into my veins. I've been taught my whole life that addictions are not a good thing. But in this case, i have to disagree. (I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.) My little needle... the prettiest name I could think of... I don't even WANT to stop thinking about her. My little needle.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Losing My Religion

September 15th, 2005.
The day I stopped believing in God.
Merely by coincidence, I happened to see something that no one else could. It still reminds me of how cruel, stupid, and idiotically dark people can be. they strap miniature cannons to children and send them off to the fields of war with the assurance of meeting a bearded wizard in the sky who will provide too many virgins for any one man to handle. Many things happened that day. A child died, 24 men lived, an award was given, one boy lost his faith, and that same boy began smoking the brains from his head. It's an interesting feeling, hot-boxing cigarette smoke in your tent with your battle buddy who knows that he can't possibly feel what you're feeling. All that carbon monoxide must have gone straight to my brain. There was an awful suspicion in my mind that I'd finally gone over the hump, and the worst thing about it was that I didn't feel tragic at all, but only weary and sort of comfortably detached. As a reward for ending a 9 year old's life, I received the bronze star for heroism and a "Valor device" for an act of combat heroism. I also received a full week of TDY which came with a friend always by my side. It's an interesting thing, killing a child, everyone assumes the next logical step is to kill yourself. Instead of going to Germany or Kuwait or even Baghdad to visit the palaces and their golden toilets, I hot-boxed it with friends in my little tent and thought about what I had done. Never in my life has that little piece of jello in my head worked so hard than in that week. It felt like Taladega or however you spell it and the Superbowl had both met for a giant orgy between my ears. What could i have done differently? Was there anything i could do that would save that boys life while saving my platoon as well? I thought for hours, until there was nothing left to think about.
September 15th, 2005.
We were marching through... somewhere. I don't remember. We came upon a school and went inside to give chocolates to the kids. It was actually very nice. All these kids giving us hugs and kisses. I helped one with his math homework.
We left after about 3 hours. We were halfway down the road when the nine year old ran out of an ally, crying out for one last hug. My platoon sergeant strapped his weapon to his back, bent down, and spread his arms, ready to receive little Achmed. A button came undone on the kids shirt, and I saw the C4 strapped to the little tykes chest. without thinking, without even a god damn warning, I raised my weapon and shot. He went down, and so did I. My squad leader was on top of me in an instant, getting the weapon from my hands. Nobody saw it. I just saved us all and nobody knew. My platoon sergeant ran to him and saw what was on his chest, he called out for everyone to get back, called in EOD, then hugged me. I was crying, I didn't give a shit. 1 dead, 24 saved. Hot-boxing with a bronze star on my collar. America: just a nation of 200,000,000 used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. And this is just fine. the worst part is, it doesn't even affect me that much. When i think back on those days when i was defending something I'm still unsure of, I don't even regret killing that kid. It was him or us. 24 to 1. I'd do it again and I'd hot-box and think for a week again. This is why I lost whatever faith I had left. What kind of overly glorious, all knowing, and all devout invisible alien titan in the sky would allow this kind of behavior? Would allow me to feel NO regret? All my life, I'd been a questioner. I always asked "how" or "why". But this... this blew me over the edge. Nose over tail. Unrelenting nothingness beyond....

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Psycho Juice Blue

Were it not for the particular proportion of reading that I pretend to do, or the constant gaming and lack of cleaning that I actually do, I feel that I would still be taken. Not abducted or stolen or even lost, but taken in heart and being. My procrastination when it comes to relationships and laziness when it comes to particular emotions has always been one of my loveliest downfalls. It's lead to a lack of fulfilling romance that I've filled with drugs, emotionless denial, rude persona, and a certain degree of absurdity. This bland, nonsensical, chemical romance is now all I have. I welcome it. I feel I've not only seen the edge, but I've leaped as high as I could and fallen, nose over tail, down to the jagged, unforgiving, unrelenting nothingness beyond. Or perhaps it's not nothingness but rather everythingness. I should realize that this, my sweet downfall, is something unwanted and unneeded, something to worry about. Something that should keep me up at night, sweating while making plans to better myself. Instead, I find myself smiling at the pure bit of nonsense my life has become. My life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously. I have voluntarily turned my existence into a post modern, weird circle jerk of blunt, truthful, and uncaring humor. I'm a jerk. the biggest jerk you know. And don't misinterpret. Jerks, assholes, douche bags, dicks, and mean people are not the same thing. So maybe it is good and right that I'm not taken. I hated sharing my bed anyway. And yet, who the hell am I kidding? I carry a condom in my jackets inner pocket, for fucks sake. I don't remember where I got it. What i do remember is coming home to a private LSD party, then subsequently getting lost in my bathroom. It's not that i couldn't find the door. It was that damn mirror. If you ever want to look in a mirror while mind altering liquids flow through your body, then you get what any such idiot deserves. Every flaw, every wasted opportunity, every potential moment unlived, every embarrassment, every single good thing gone bad, they all come pouring out of your pores and present themselves with a bow and a smile. seconds turn to hours, and I'm just standing there, not blinking, not moving, not breathing. You ever turn blue while on psycho juice? I had no one to tear me away. No distractions at all. Just me and that palm reading piece of glass. I have no idea how long I stood there. I woke up in Maryland with a different tie on and a condom in my pocket. so there it stays. Since that night, four months ago, I have done this three more times, and each time I wake up somewhere new and exciting with interesting things in my pockets. Once I cleaned my whole apartment. I plan on doing it at least once a month until it kills me or until I get tired of it.