Sunday, September 5, 2010

Chasing Stacy: or How I Learned To Stop Being a Pussy and Man the Fuck Up

So... I'm fascinated... intrigued... and infatuated with my BEAUTIFUL neighbor, Stacy.
She's gorgeous. She's not one off those scene girls... she doesn't have streaks in her hair. She doesn't have piercings or take crappy myspace pics. she has a good steady job and a beautiful smile. She's hard working, responsible... and lovely. And all I can do is think about her day in and day out.
She moved in about a month ago, and i didn't know it. what I DID know was i needed some plastic baggies for my marinate. See, i make this AMAZING marinade that I put on brisket, steaks, and ribs. And every weekend, I take it over to my best friend, Luis's house... and we grill like motherfuckers. Beer, cigarettes, guitars, fire... the works.
But I had run out of ziploc baggies to soak the meat in my sauce. So i knock on Lisa's door. Lisa lives in 302. She's a dear friend and has been my friend even through my divorce. she watches my cats when I leave town and we treat each other to dinner often. But she's kind of... a dominatrix... and that's not really my cup of tea. So no dating for us.
Anyway... Lisa was not home. Which is normal. probably working or at her BF's house. But I heard laughing coming from 301's door. so... reluctantly, I knocked. I needed those damn ziplocs.
I was met by a beautiful smile, gorgeous face, and wavy brown hair. She was a vision. I was infatuated. And I stuttered. She giggled. i asked for ziploc bags and she said of course. She let me come in and two of her friends were there. She had boxes everywhere because she had just moved in. Apparently, they were throwing her a "welcome to your new apartment" dinner. cool.
She handed me five gallon size ziplocs. She asked my name and i told her. Then she said she would have to come over and borrow something from me. I told her any time. She smiled and I swear her friends giggled. and that was it.
so for the next two weeks, Lisa and I tried like mad to find out her name. I was too much of a pussy to knock on the door and just ask... but still we tried.
Finally... I gathered up all my man juice and nut butter and decided "fuck this... I'm asking her out"
so... at 3 am, I went to Harris Teeter and picked up a whole chicken and some veggies and pears and wine and all kinds of goodies. My plan was to make her a dinner (because I'm too poor to take her to an exquisite restaurant) and hopefully impress her with my culinary skills... and go from there.
I spent the next 7 hours practicing what I would say to her, writing down ideas for what to make for dinner, and playing Red Dead Redemption. i was super nervous. I could be slapped or laughed at... or a series of other things that I was thinking about...
at 10am, I knocked on her door.
I heard her lean on the door to check her peephole. then she said "It's my neighbor"
So she was with someone. cool. I'd make it short.
She opened the door and I was taken back. She was in her PJs... shorts and a shirt... and she had her hair down. i thought I was going to die. She was so beautiful. She met me with a smile... and my heart jumped into my throat.
"Hi John!"
"Hi. Uhm... look.. before I go on to embarrass myself... What's your name? Lisa and I have been trying to find out... and we can't."
"I'm Stacy."
"HI STACY! Look... this is super embarrassing... but... Ever since i first met you I've been trying to figure out some suave way to ask you out to dinner. maybe bump into you in the hallway or something... but none of it was working."
At this point, she looked to the left, cocked her head a little bit, and smiled. Not a good sign.
"But then I remembered 'geeze John.. you're not rich... you can't afford nice dinners' so I figured I'd try to impress you with my culinary skills. And... i know I'm not much to look at... but I'd still love to cook for you..."
There was a slight pause and she said
"John, it sounds nice. but... to make things even more embarrassing for you... I'm here with my boyfriend."
I was pretty sure I'd kill myself that night. Still alive... but none the less.
I expressed my DEEP embarrassment while secretly praying he didn't step into view. She went on to say
"But hey... I give you props. this was pretty ballsy."
Someone fucking shoot me.
I tried to cover it up by telling her about the game nights Lisa and I have (another story for another post on another day) and she said she'd love to come.
So yeah... I worked myself up for a complete failure.
Such is the story of my life.


  1. I love your blog.. it looks like a novel!
    Follow me!

  2. Dude you have balls! Really nice read, promise me to post some more like this.


  3. I promise kind sir. I promise.

  4. Quite interesting. At first I tried to avoid the wall of text but my curiosity...led me back. >_>

    *follows* ;D

  5. That really was quite ballsy. Now if only other guys were like, but only some of them, not all.